On sleepless nights I make long posts.

Oh hey, it's 1:30 am.
So a fun fact that you learn about depression after getting is that it never really goes away. At least not 100%. (if there's anyone reading this that has suffered from depression in the past and has never ever once felt it since, please tell me your secrets.) I, for one, am incredibly happy with my life right now. So many wonderful things have happened to me this summer and really in this past school year and basically I love everything that is going on in my life.
Unfortunately, my brain doesn't always feel like loving life as much as it should. So while I have been what I consider "depression-free" since probably earlier this year (February or March.) today my brain decided to make everything seem just a little suck-y. Depressive Brain decided to through out thoughts like "ugh my butt's too big, i'm fat, i'm a burden to them, i'm holding people up, i probably smell, go eat worms, blah blah blah" while Normal Brain was like "woah, hold up, that is a fantastic ass, i smell like sunshine and pine needles, that dress has pockets?! all is right with the world!" These battles are the worst because they are so energy draining to the point where you are ready to fall asleep at 9 o'clock. So, you lie down all ready and snuggly for bed and Depressive Brain goes: "oh i'm sorry. you wanted to sleep? No i feel like doing that thing where you're going to be an insomniac tonight"
Bitch.
So now i'm going to ramble because it's helpful for me (feel free to skip if you want). Maybe someone will read this and find it helpful as well:
Cut to me getting on my favorite blog (http://thebloggess.com/) and reading through all of her things because she makes me feel the most normal. She is the greatest.Every time I get in these moods, I just have to remind myself: DEPRESSION LIES. DEPRESSION IS A LYING BASTARD. So, thank you Miss Jenny Lawson for that. I found this wonderful woman last fall. During my last fall. (haha! depression joke!) I was in a really bad place because my cousin died in a really awful, terrible, unexpected way and I had not coped with it well at all. I didn't talk to anyone about it because I didn't think I could (stupid Depressive Brain) and ended up going to a really bad place, a place I hadn't been to since the 7th grade. I found this video (http://thebloggess.com/2012/04/depression-lies/) and this beautiful woman totally made me realize where I was again and what I needed to do. 
Now, I am one of those people who doesn't really like therapy when I'm depressed because I get super nervous and anxious about talking about my feelings, so I'm super dependent on being with friends and doing things that will make me happy and self-affirmations. Some people think self-affirmations are dumb, but they've always been incredibly helpful for me (for example, Life is Beautiful). Once I finally get to even the tiniest of better places, I try to go and talk to a professional because they're paid to help people like me and help figure out what triggered the latest episode and what is currently needing to happen to get back to "normal". So I did a bit of that. Not much, but a bit. AND THEN (my favorite part of getting out of depression happened) February or March happened and I was bouncing and singing through the scene shop with a Mcflurry or Shamrock Shake when my professor/mentor stopped me and asked "what's wrong with you?" and I got to reply "Nothing. I'm happy." <-- BEST PART EVER. Because basically that's me going "HA TAKE THAT DEPRESSIVE BRAIN I BEAT YOU AGAIN!" It's the best feeling in the world when you realize you are genuinely happy with no dark thoughts anywhere in your mind. Not even on the edges where they like to loiter every once in a while. It's the greatest feeling ever.
Pretty much, I am still happy. But I've been noticing that every once in a while I'll have those thoughts that aren't good. That like to creep in through the back door unnoticed and then you have to make the bouncer kick them out because they tried to get in without paying the cover fee. Yeah, those guys. Anyway, I think I'll be able to hold them off until school starts and I can get free counseling again. I just need to remind myself of all the beautiful things this world is giving me everyday. Like calls from my family, skype dates with great friends, a supportive boyfriend, an interesting job, 2 amazing cities to work in, sunshine, rainfall, good food, shoes, the list goes on. I remind myself: I am lucky. I am loved. Life is Beautiful.

Ok, rambling's over! That was super helpful to write out. So if anyone read that, thank you for taking the time. If not, your sanity was probably saved.

If anyone out there is reading this, and needs a reminder that depression is a lying bastard, please remember: You are loved, you are important, and you are wanted. Life is Beautiful. Please remember that. You are beautiful.

Ok! Time to attempt sleep again. Goodnight all.