On sleepless nights I make long posts.

Oh hey, it's 1:30 am.
So a fun fact that you learn about depression after getting is that it never really goes away. At least not 100%. (if there's anyone reading this that has suffered from depression in the past and has never ever once felt it since, please tell me your secrets.) I, for one, am incredibly happy with my life right now. So many wonderful things have happened to me this summer and really in this past school year and basically I love everything that is going on in my life.
Unfortunately, my brain doesn't always feel like loving life as much as it should. So while I have been what I consider "depression-free" since probably earlier this year (February or March.) today my brain decided to make everything seem just a little suck-y. Depressive Brain decided to through out thoughts like "ugh my butt's too big, i'm fat, i'm a burden to them, i'm holding people up, i probably smell, go eat worms, blah blah blah" while Normal Brain was like "woah, hold up, that is a fantastic ass, i smell like sunshine and pine needles, that dress has pockets?! all is right with the world!" These battles are the worst because they are so energy draining to the point where you are ready to fall asleep at 9 o'clock. So, you lie down all ready and snuggly for bed and Depressive Brain goes: "oh i'm sorry. you wanted to sleep? No i feel like doing that thing where you're going to be an insomniac tonight"
Bitch.
So now i'm going to ramble because it's helpful for me (feel free to skip if you want). Maybe someone will read this and find it helpful as well:
Cut to me getting on my favorite blog (http://thebloggess.com/) and reading through all of her things because she makes me feel the most normal. She is the greatest.Every time I get in these moods, I just have to remind myself: DEPRESSION LIES. DEPRESSION IS A LYING BASTARD. So, thank you Miss Jenny Lawson for that. I found this wonderful woman last fall. During my last fall. (haha! depression joke!) I was in a really bad place because my cousin died in a really awful, terrible, unexpected way and I had not coped with it well at all. I didn't talk to anyone about it because I didn't think I could (stupid Depressive Brain) and ended up going to a really bad place, a place I hadn't been to since the 7th grade. I found this video (http://thebloggess.com/2012/04/depression-lies/) and this beautiful woman totally made me realize where I was again and what I needed to do. 
Now, I am one of those people who doesn't really like therapy when I'm depressed because I get super nervous and anxious about talking about my feelings, so I'm super dependent on being with friends and doing things that will make me happy and self-affirmations. Some people think self-affirmations are dumb, but they've always been incredibly helpful for me (for example, Life is Beautiful). Once I finally get to even the tiniest of better places, I try to go and talk to a professional because they're paid to help people like me and help figure out what triggered the latest episode and what is currently needing to happen to get back to "normal". So I did a bit of that. Not much, but a bit. AND THEN (my favorite part of getting out of depression happened) February or March happened and I was bouncing and singing through the scene shop with a Mcflurry or Shamrock Shake when my professor/mentor stopped me and asked "what's wrong with you?" and I got to reply "Nothing. I'm happy." <-- BEST PART EVER. Because basically that's me going "HA TAKE THAT DEPRESSIVE BRAIN I BEAT YOU AGAIN!" It's the best feeling in the world when you realize you are genuinely happy with no dark thoughts anywhere in your mind. Not even on the edges where they like to loiter every once in a while. It's the greatest feeling ever.
Pretty much, I am still happy. But I've been noticing that every once in a while I'll have those thoughts that aren't good. That like to creep in through the back door unnoticed and then you have to make the bouncer kick them out because they tried to get in without paying the cover fee. Yeah, those guys. Anyway, I think I'll be able to hold them off until school starts and I can get free counseling again. I just need to remind myself of all the beautiful things this world is giving me everyday. Like calls from my family, skype dates with great friends, a supportive boyfriend, an interesting job, 2 amazing cities to work in, sunshine, rainfall, good food, shoes, the list goes on. I remind myself: I am lucky. I am loved. Life is Beautiful.

Ok, rambling's over! That was super helpful to write out. So if anyone read that, thank you for taking the time. If not, your sanity was probably saved.

If anyone out there is reading this, and needs a reminder that depression is a lying bastard, please remember: You are loved, you are important, and you are wanted. Life is Beautiful. Please remember that. You are beautiful.

Ok! Time to attempt sleep again. Goodnight all.

Things that confuse me.

Mainly because of my job
1. Being asked to find 4 goat masks in Chicago with no explanation. Upon an hour of searching I was only able to find this: https://www.fantasycostumes.com/p-got-your-goat-mask-99763
2. Middle school children wandering into an OBVIOUS office space and taking sodas from our fridge. Upon being discovered they asked if the sodas were free. and then asked me to unlock the mail room for them.
3. Being the only person in the office.
4. Chicago-ians not knowing that not all public transportation here runs all night.
5. "Maybe we should have a designer run before tech"...why yes. maybe.
6. Email replies that tell me to look at the website for answers when I've already said I looked at the website in the initial email.
7. These things:

Yes they are women. Somehow. 

I hope everyone had a wonderful 4th of July and got to see some awesome fireworks! I know I celebrated it right with hot dogs, chips, good friends, good fireworks, and to top it all off, rocking out to Call Me Maybe on the way to froyo. That's right. Be jealous. 

Pity Party Time!

But first: My friend posted this on facebook: http://canyourelate.org/2011/05/24/rape-prevention-tips/
I think it's fantastic because I hate it when people play the blame the victim game and there's always tips given to women to keep themselves from getting raped (I think I first got these tips in Middle School and they seriously never go away), but no one ever gives these tips out to men or other possible rapists. I think these should be required in the high school health class hand outs as well. Maybe I'll start a petition. Who's with me?

Now the pity party! (feel free to skip if you so wish)
I'm totally going through withdrawal right now. I miss New York a whole lot and being able to hop on the subway to bypass traffic or walk around the corner to get a really good, cheap meal.  Chicago's great and I'm really enjoying my time here, but my god there's no place like NYC. I feel bad for not liking Chicago as much as I think I should, and I think I would be liking it better if I came here before I went to New York, but it's currently competing with two of the greatest weeks of my life and that's tough. Springboard changed my life. It taught me so many new things and rekindled that passion for performing that I let drain a little bit. It gave me the full confidence to stand up and announce: I am an actor. Chicago is not giving me anything new like that. Yes, I'm learning how devised shows work, which is pretty awesome, but it's currently being overshadowed by mediocre public transportation and that some people have the inability to show up on time to places.

I'm probably being over-dramatic. I have only been here a week and I have learned some pretty neat things. I'm sure I'll get accustomed to the buses and end up loving this city as well by the time I leave in August.

On a positive note: I'm getting an A in my online course! Woohoo!

A bit about Collaboraction

I have officially started my internship at Collaboraction theatre in Chicago. I have been in the office three times and I have already made curtains, been offered a position as a possible understudy (didn't end up happening, oh well!), found props, attended meetings, been given research projects, etc. . It's been nuts. I love days off.
Currently, Collaboraction is doing their Sketchbook series that they put up every summer and it is really incredible. It's a series of five productions that run up to 60 minutes each, with visual art placed throughout the playing space and "surprise" guest musicians every once in a while. I've only been able to see two of the productions, but even with just those two, I have laughed, cried, been inspired and have been pushed to contemplate things I've never thought about before. It has been a very new and different theatrical experience than what I've been exposed to before. It's intimate and innovative and definitely risky. There's an integration of music and movement, with projections and use of space that makes it a memorable experience. Matter of fact, the piece that had me in tears, Untitled 862, had no dialogue: just movement, dance, and music. It was beautiful. So anyway (shameless plug about to happen) if you're in Chicago, come see some Sketchbook shows because they're awesome.
Also, the people at this place are so friendly and nice. I've met a handful of other interns and everyone seems to be excited to be here and they want to make theatre accessible and entertaining to the public. It's pretty awesome.
Overall, Chicago is a success. The only complaint I have is public transportation is really slow and closes way too early in comparison to New York. But then again, I think this city actually sleeps. Who knew!

Also, we still don't have internet. I'm becoming good friends with the local cafe bar-istas and am longing to watch some Arrested Development via Netflix or Hulu. I guess this gif will just have to do for now... 

New Day, New City.

Once again, I am in a new city without internet. It's really not a bad thing because I'm much more productive and I'm more inclined to explore the city I'm in. Currently, I am sitting in a fun little cafe called Let Them Eat Chocolate (gladly.) with my friend Joanne. They sell gelato and little handmade looking chocolates and it's delicious. I have found that there are a surprising amount of gelato places in the area I'm staying along with a couple of really fantastic book stores. One is called the Book Cellar, and yes, you can have wine and browse for books! It's pretty cool. There's also a used book store that is literally overflowing with books. It's one of those places you can get lost in for days and continue to find interesting things to look at.
Oh! I actually start working, sort of, tomorrow. I'm going to help with front of house stuff for Collaboraction's Sketchbook festival and hopefully it will be a nice little way to ease me into the environment of the company. Then I officially start working for them on Monday. at noon. I will have plenty of time to get ready and maybe i'll head over to the cafe that sells the best mocha I've ever had. :) Seriously, it's delicious. I think they might put crack in it.
OH MY GOD AND THE LITTLE DRESS SHOPS ARE THE BEST. It's going to take everything I have to stay away from them for the next seven or so weeks. They just make me so happy and I want to do this:

Oh, and you should go see Brave because it is Scottish and adorable.

That is all.

A bit about the last 2 weeks...

So I definitely dropped the ball on posting about Springboard. I apologize for anyone who was actually looking forward to those! Hopefully I can slowly recap about the shows and people once I get to Chicago!
Overall though, SpringboardNYC was an incredible experience and I am so incredibly thankful that I got the opportunity to attend. I met so many wonderful people that I plan on staying in contact with for a very long time. I know that they would be willing to lend me a hand when I needed it as I would for them. There were 37 of us and EVERYONE was nice, and kind, and talented, and excited, and I miss them all so much and it hasn't even been a week! I don't even think there are enough adjectives for me to accurately describe how great everyone was/is.
General things I learned at Springboard:
1. Be nice/kind to everyone. But not fake nice. be genuinely nice.
2. Everyone is on their own path. You can't compare your path to someone else's because that's just not fair to anyone.
3. Say YES, AND. Otherwise known to say yes to everything, even if it doesn't pay.
4. On that note: Don't be afraid to say NO.
     - Do the stomach ache test, if something doesn't feel right to you, don't do it.
5. Be yourself.
     - trying to be someone else isn't going to get you very far at all because people will see right through that.
     - don't cut off your comet tail.
6. Your job is not being in shows. Your job is AUDITIONING.
     - seriously. getting in a show is like a yearly bonus.
     - if you don't love auditioning, you're going to want to learn to.
7. The theatre community is TINY.

And finally, you can't be afraid to put yourself out there. The people on the other side of the table want you to do well, your family wants you to do well, your friends want you to do well. You just have to be yourself and be kind because that's how people will know if they want to work with you. If you think it's cool to make fun of people based off their facebook pictures or the shoes they wear and then try to be all smiley at them to their faces, that won't fly. It will bite you in the butt because the theatre community is tiny. Everyone knows everything. Seriously, follow the 6 block rule and then add on another mile and put a locked door between you and the public before you say anything.

Ok. that's all for now. I honestly don't even know how much of this post makes sense because I'm still not done being exhausted. Maybe that'll happen when I'm done packing/unpacking? Maybe?

I lost track of what day it was

So I finally realized it's Saturday and that I didn't have to be anywhere at 9 o'clock in the morning. So I decided I should write a new post and attempt to do an overview of the last...3(?) days. Here we go!

Everyday, they bring in new "famous" people/people working in the business and it has been such a whirlwind that I really don't remember who I met on what day, but each and every one of them has been incredible. They have given me new insights into the theatre world and how to approach it, killed some misconceptions, and have made me even more sure that this is what I want to be doing.
I've done a Q+A with Stacy Seidel Tea, a commercial/voice-over casting director. I now know that I should really get some experience on-camera and with voice over because a lot of people use that as a way to earn an income when they're not doing theatre.
Amy Ryan came in for another Q+A session and was great because she has had experience in film, tv, and theatre and was able to give perspectives on all of them. My favorite piece of advice from her was "be fearless, have moxie." Who says MOXIE anymore?? She does. Because she's great.
Then, David Caparelliotis (Dave Cap) came in on 2 different days to do an audition workshop with us. It's great because he's a big time casting director in New York was still willing to take time out of his schedule to come work with us. The first day he literally ran from a casting session to MTC while eating a slice of pizza. He's great. He made it very clear that auditions are not about what character you are suppose to be, but how to bring yourself to the character to make it real. His big thing was honor the text, honor yourself. If you do that you will have a good audition.
THEN CAME MY FAVORITE THING EVER: the working actor panel. It included Jeremy Shamos (he's fucking tony nominated.), Donna Lynne Champlin, Patti Murin, and Leslie Oden Jr.. Seriously, this was so great. They addressed what it was like to get here and get started and how to get an income and how to stay sane and how every actor thinks that they aren't as good as everyone thinks they are. JEREMY SHAMOS IS STILL INSECURE ABOUT HIS ACTING. HE'S NOMINATED FOR A TONY. So, that was incredible to hear that no matter what, everyone thinks they're just tricking everyone else. And once again, we heard that auditions are all about being yourself. Don't try to be a poodle if you're a great dane. Also, no matter what theatre actors make like 200 bucks a week, but film actors can make like 20,000 for a pilot. NBD.
Then, Nina Arianda came in. She is probably the luckiest woman in the world. She started getting work right out of grad school at 25. She's worked for Woody Allen, she's Tony nominated this year, shes' won multiple awards already and she's not even 30 yet. But she's making me consider grad school as an option. And apparently I look like her.
Yesterday, we got to talk to Lin-Manuel Miranda. He's another one of those people who has had a great career at a young age and just hasn't stopped working. He believes strongly that writers should act, and actors should write so they can understand each other and writers who don't understand actors normally end up in film. He's hilarious and his big point was Fake it till you make it. That was great.
And last, but not least: Peter Francis Johns.Shakespeare extraordinaire. I have never really worked on Shakespeare before, but he made it so much fun and so easy and afterwards I felt like I kicked Shakespeare's butt. It was so great. He was all about following the Geography of the text because the text will tell you exactly what to do. Shakespeare was a good guy like that and wrote in the text exactly what you should be doing. So do it.
Those are the people I have met so far. It's been crazy and busy and wonderful. I am so lucky to have this opportunity. I have learned so much and have realized so many things. The main one that people keep talking about (and they don't like talk to each other ahead of time to plan what to say) is that performing, doing plays, is not the job. Auditioning is the job. So be yourself and enjoy it.

Oh, I'll write about shows in a different post. I figured this one was long enough :)